SPOILER ALERT… although you aren't missing anything.

You people are rediculous. “OMG!! THIS MOVIE IS SUUUU SCARY!! I COULDN'T SLEEP FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR AND HAD TO SEEK PSYCHOLOGICAL THERAPY BECAUSE THIS MOVIE WAS SO SCARY!!!” Why do I have this sinking feeling every time they did a sudden cut, you jumped 20 feet in the air while simultaniously wetting yourself. Let's break the movie down:

Opening sequence: overstylized, looked like they took a bunch of designs from a hipster t-shirt and overlayed them on the screen.

First death: wife is sitting up with her mouth open. That's it. The eyes could've been removed or the jaw could have been severed to look like the dummy, but… the mouth is open. Great.


The husband: Honestly, 1/3 of the way in the movie and I forgot his name. For the time being when I refer to him, I'll call him “Slappy”. Slappy lacks any sort of character development other than “I have to solve the mystery and fight a doll!”

The detective: The New Kid On The Block is playing the suspicious detective. He also has a thing for breaking constitutional rights, such as entering Slappy's room at the hotel without knocking (police officer's have to have permission to enter the premises without a warrent). Oh, and he shaves… WHILE IN THE THE INTERRIGATION ROOM! And just when you think it's over… HE SHAVES SOME MORE!

The coroner: he uses a giant f-ing flash bulb camera for… what's that word again? Oh. Effect. Cute. I suppose he'll spend the next three weeks developing those pictures with film that hasn't been in style for I'd say roughly 40 years. One would think that if coroners are taking pictures for autopsies they would need high definition photos to note every detail of a murder victim. Not a grainy black and white photo. A disposible camera from Walgreens could take better pictures. So that was stupid.

Coroner's wife?/sister?: walks around with a stuffed bird, a-la the wife from “The Corpse Grinders”, a-la the same crazy dementia induced old lady character we've seen before 1000 times before.

Death #2: The coroner. If you didn't see this coming you are actually considered blind in the glorious state of Texas.

Some other crap happended after this, but what was the deal with the lantern having a 75w halogenic light bulb in it?

Blah, blah, blah, took a piss break and may have missed another jump cut or a camera shake.

Came back and Slappy was in the old theater. Where Detective Donnie was waiting for him by skipping the time-space contineum, tearing a hole in the fabric of time, and waiting with his 100 round shotgun. Now I don't particularly find clowns frightning, so the clown puppet who revealed the end of “Se7en” to Slappy didn't really do anything for me.

Death #3: Detective Donnie falls and is promptly scooped up by the ghost of what's-her-ass. Audiences are usually moved when an loved character in a film dies. Good thing it didn't happen here.

Slappy goes home: Slappy returns to find that his dad… is a puppet! And the stepmother… is a puppet!! So he screams and he dies. And the photo is kept in a book that what's-her-ass had made… while dead. Although I do have to hand it to what's-her-ass because it looks as though she had taken classes at the Hobby Lobby of the dead on proper scrapbooking techniques.

This movie was seven gallons of arrent feces in a five gallon hat. The very worst episode of “Mystery Science Theater” would have been a breath of fresh air rather than this this pulsating piece of celluloid. This film may be the basis for the very first lawsuit to sue a movie studio for your wasted time. I could not reccomend this movie to anyone, not even as a laugh.

I now must go weep.