This isn't directly ghostbusters related, so feel free to move it where it belongs, Also, probably not safe for kids, as I use a few swares and reference a few “adult situations” but at the end of the day, it's all in good fun, let me know what you think

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Richi Crypt And The Professional Vampire, Part 1
Richard Crypt watched the rain trickle down the outside of the window from his seat at the rear of the pub. He had a pretty good view of the entire place from the dank little corner which his table was situated in. He was not overly familiar with the place, having only ventured in here once or twice over the years, be he could still pick out the regulars from the other lonely souls that had wandered in from the darkness on this cold October afternoon.
A tall man, built like an ox and wearing a policeman’s uniform occupied the seat opposite him, happily scoffing down the last remains of the second house curry he had ordered that night. This was Officer Neil Corrigan, Head of Essex police force’s paranormal investigations squad. The smell from the curries made Richard curl his nose in disgust.
As he finished shovelling the last dregs of his meal into is gigantic maw of a mouth, he wiped his moustache and leant forwards towards Richard with a smile.
“Hope you don’t mind me having my dinner before we get down to business, mate. It’s just it’s been a bit of a long day, and I’m bloody starving!”
Richard looked at the two empty plates smeared with curry stains. And hoped that no more food needed to be consumed before his companion felt comfortable divulging the reason he had called him here.
The large policeman pulled a copy of the local newspaper out from his jacket and flopped it on the table in front of Richard.
“Check out the classifieds page” said the policeman, as he licked a dob of sauce from his fingers.
Richard obliged and thumbed through the paper until he came to the page in question. He scanned it for a few seconds and looked up at the officer.
“All I see is a bunch of randy pensioners looking for a chance they’ll never get, and a bunch of dodgy massage parlours. Not exactly my area of expertise.”
The officer laughed, puffing out a warm wave of curry smelling stench that almost made Richard gag.
He leaned forwards and put his fingers on a small add near the bottom of the page, leaving a brown smudge.
“This one, that’s the one I wanted to show you”
Richard looked past the stain and saw an advert proclaiming:

”Know what it’s like to live forever.
Call Vlad Gabriel, Professional vampire, today!
For a small donation, learn the secrets of the blood
And much more”

Richard looked up from the paper, and raised an eyebrow at the lawman
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me”

Neil shook his head with a look on his face that almost convinced Richard that he was being serious.
Richard looked at the add again, just to make sure he read it right the first time. It really did say “professional vampire”

“It’s probably just some kid that’s read too many Anne Rice books looking for a lay” Suggested Richard. “Vlad Gabriel is probably just his Myspace name!”

“Nope, sorry mate, it’s the real deal,” said the Neil in a sombre tone, almost a world away from the man Richard had just watched demolish two plates of curry.
“Local teenagers have been seen with him before disappearing without a trace, we’ve even had a few eye witness reports of him turning into a bat, or a wolf, and I ‘aint talking about no crack head off the streets, mate. I’m talking about respected officers.”

The stench of curry didn’t seem to be bothering Richard so much right now, as he sighed and slumped back in his chair. “This is great, a professional vampire, just what I need”

Before Richard could even contemplate his next plan of action, Neil stated: “I’ll pay you double”

Richard sat forwards quickly, jogging the table a little and causing the plates to clink. His eyes wide with disbelief at what he had just heard. Double pay! That would be fantastic, that would let him coast right through the relatively dead Christmas period without any troubles. Sure vampires where hard as hell to fight and had a nasty tendency to not stay dead, but for double pay Richard would face off against Nessie again.

Neil smiled at Richard’s reaction. “I Thought that would get you interested, this bastards been making our lives hell for a while now. We know what he is, and he knows we know, but being a vampire isn’t punishable by law, so we can’t touch him.”

Richard looked puzzled by this statement “But, if he’s such a big problem, and a well known threat, why didn’t you call in one of the larger companies to deal with it, the guys with the flashy gadgets would definitely make a nice cover story for the local rag, why me?”

The Officer sighed, his frustration at the situation showing. “We’ve tried that, all of them, but this bastards not thick. Every time we got one of the big guns in, bam, he’d hit ‘em with a restraining order”

“Don’t tell me he’s a lawyer too!” moaned Richard. His head was now placed firmly in his hands, long black hair spilling out from between his fingers like the legs of a giant spider.

“No, but he’s got a group of crack lawyers by his side pretty much 24/7” Sighed Neil.

“Even better, Vampires AND lawyers” said Richard. Suddenly the prospect of double wages didn’t seem as enticing as before.


Richard looked up at the darkened sky, it wasn’t quite dusk yet, but the heavy rain clouds hung ominously low, blocking out most of the remaining sunlight and making everything a little greyer then usual. The rain had stopped momentarily but from the looks of the clouds above, it wouldn’t be long until it started again.

Richard had finally agreed to help Neil with the vampire problem. After all, he owed him a favour after Neil’s unit had pulled Richard’s arse out of the fire a few years ago, when he had been found unconscious in the woods with the bullet ridden remains of the towns werewolf problem. Of course, the fact this particular “favour” paid double helped make the decision a little easier to swallow.

Richard walked down the rain-drenched street, the untied laces of his boots dragging in the puddles that had formed on the concrete. To say he felt like crap would be an understatement. He hadn’t slept properly for a few nights now, and with the current vampire situation weighing heavy on his mind, tonight didn’t look like it would bring a particularly peaceful slumber.
He turned left and ducked into a small alleyway, the kind of alleyway that people walk past a million times before even noticing it’s existence. It was filled with rotting cardboard boxes and forgotten rubbish skips, the smell wasn’t exactly inviting but none of these sorts of places smelt nice. Richard navigated his way swiftly through the remains and debris until he came to a small wooden door. Seemingly ignoring the faded “Danger! Keep out” notice, he pushed the door open slightly and slipped through into the darkness on the other side.
He continued walking down what appeared to have once been a maintenance corridor, but now was home to various forms of fungus and mould, while also sheltering what seemed like a majority of the town’s rodent population. The stench of the rat droppings alone was more then enough to keep even the most inquisitive of snoopers away from this forgotten corridor. As Richard reached the end, he pushed past another small wooden door. Candle light and the thick smell of incense emanated from the room beyond the portal, it’s ceiling was low, and Richard had to stoop down a little to fit into the room. Walls lined with shelves led off into the darkness, each shelf full of ancient books and texts on pretty much everything that the modern world had once feared, but now laid forgotten. Richard pulled a crumbling book from the rack and began to thumb through it.
The feint sound of chimes could be heard in the darkness. Richard didn’t even look up from the text as a tiny figure, two feet tall at the most, hobbled to the edge of the light.

“You married yet?” said the figure, in a thick Northern accent that made it almost impossible to understand.
Richard smiled and looked over at the dark figure that hovered on the peak of the blackness. “I would be, but you keep turning me down.”
The figure said nothing; its tiny frame seemed to shudder a little.
“What about the girl you came here with last time?” Asked the figure.
Richard looked back at the book, the smile gone from his face. He was going to ignore that question, no matter how much it hurt him to do so.
“Look, I can’t stay and chat I need….”
“You want something that can vanquish the leach from afar” Interjected the little creature.
“Yep, you got anything along those lines?” confirmed Richard.
“Only thing that will do it is the smoke from the burning vines of a Rebus bush.”
“Sounds great, I’ll take so…” Richard began.
“Sold out” Interjected the creature once more.
“ WHAT DO YOU MEAN SOLD OUT?” scoffed Richard, more then a little startled by this sudden proclamation. From the best of his knowledge he was the only person that knew of and used this place anymore. Since the big name companies had come over to the u.k with their franchises and fancy equipment, little magick shops like this had died a quick and painful death.
“You think you my only customer?” Said the creature, with a hint of disgust in its voice.
“I extremely busy! High Footfall in this area! Expansion on the cards!”
Richard sighed and put his hand to his head. He really was not in the mood to deal with a Brownie with dreams of franchise fame and fortune.
“Look, do you have ANYTHING that can help me get rid of vampires, preferably from a distance?”
The Brownie said nothing for a little while; it just stared directly at Richard, the light from the candles flickering in its wide eyes. Richard quickly grew impatient, but before he had to chance to even begin to think of the possible ramifications that could be caused by cussing out his only source of paranormal text and trinkets in this area, the Brownie flicked a small square of cardboard at Richard’s feet. Slowly, he knelt down and retrieved the slightly soggy piece of cardboard from the ground. He could barely make out the text in the dim light, but he could plainly see a logo he had seen various times on hotel free view channels and late night infomercials. The logo of the “Injury claims for everyone” company was emblazoned on the card, and a handwritten telephone number was scrawled beneath it. The “Injury Claims for Everyone” company’s head offices were only a few blocks away from the forgotten alleyway. But why did the little guy have a card? It was more then a little suspicious.

“Are you taking the piss?” exclaimed Richard to the place where his not-so-friendly neighbourhood magic dealer was occupying only a moment before. But the Brownie was long gone. Richard sighed and stuffed the card into his jacket pocket; this source had never done him wrong before with its often-unorthodox methods, so why should he start doubting them now?


Richard regretted choosing this phone box, but reassured himself that there was probably not one phone box in the land that didn’t smell of urine. Holding the receiver as far away from his ear and mouth as he possibly could while not rendering it useless, he dialled in the number written on the business card. The phone took a while to connect, but eventually started ringing. After a few seconds, a mans voice answered.

“Injury claims for everyone, Brian speaking, how may I help?”

Richard composed himself a little, aware that sometimes he sounded more then a little strange on the phone. After a small cough, He began to speak.
“Hey Brian, my name’s Richard Crypt. Can I ask you if this is your personal line?”
“Yes, it is… Look Richard, if you’re going to try and sell me some double glazing…”
“No, no. Nothing like that mate”
“Well, what can I help you with? Are you looking to make a claim?”
“Uh, Not exactly, you see, I got your number from someone that suggested that you might be able to help me out with a little vampire problem.”

Brian’s end of the line fell silent. Richard figured that being asked to help slay a vampire might be a bit hard to swallow for your average 9 to 5 worker. But signs were pointing to the positive as he hadn’t hung up yet.

“Hello?” said Richard. The phone replied with a click and the line went dead, the drab dial tone cutting into the silence.
“Crap!” Richard proclaimed as he slammed the phone back on the receiver. His only lead was a dead end. He really needed that damn money. He pushed his hair back as tried to think of his next plan of action, but the thoughts of bills and debt collectors muddied his mind.
Just before a torrent of colourful curse words could to spill forth from his lips, the phone began to ring again.
Richard snatched up the phone and thrust it to his ear.
“Hello?”
“Richard, its Brian, meet me in the alleyway behind the “I.C.E” building in twenty minutes”
The line fell silent again.
Richard let out a small ‘whoop’ of joy, as things finally seemed to be going his way. He stepped out of the piss drenched phone box and looked triumphantly up at the sky.
A large raindrop landed square on his forehead, in what seemed like retaliation to his triumph, and slowly the skies began to open.

“Yeah, screw you too.” Mumbled Richard as he hurried out of the street, and into the comforting darkness of the alleyways. He had a date with a lead that would hopefully take him straight to a fat wad of cash.

Ironically, walking around in full view at night was more dangerous then sticking to the shadows. Even with a supposed vampire stalking the darkness, Richard felt a lot safer in the damp gloom of the alleyways then on the brightly lit streets with the rest of the humans.
The pockets of Richard jacket were full of trinkets and various items that he could use to stall any paranormal threat he may run into down here. Crucifixes and holy water don’t really help much when angry drunks and chavs surround you. But while the human scum that littered the streets after sunset may be lacking a majority of their brain cells, they were still smart enough to be scared of the dark. Which was something Richard could use to his advantage.

After a few minutes of dodging dumpsters through the alleyways Richard could see the lights of the “Insurance Claims for Everyone” building up ahead. Lights that where slowly switching off as a majority of the companies workforce clocked out for the night, scurrying home to play happy families and sleep in their warm beds. The ignorance of not knowing what lurks in the shadows was a bliss Richard had never known.

Ever since childhood he knew that things moved silently behind the veil of human comprehension. Richard hadn’t had a particularly traumatic childhood, in fact; he was better off then most kids when he was growing up. He didn’t experience any of the things that usually start people off on the search for the paranormal, no near death experience with the white light at the end of the tunnel, no visions of the future, the aliens had left his brain well alone, and try as he might as a child, he never even saw a ghost. Yet ever since he could read, Richard was constantly searching for the things that go bump in the night, a search that would span the entirety of his life.

Richard was different, plain and simple. Even when he tried to be like everyone else, it was still painfully obvious.


The rain was falling hard and fast as Richard turned the corner of the alleyway. He scanned the gloom for his source, and found it in the form of a tall grey haired man with glasses. He was hunched in a corner behind a pile of boxes puffing nervously on a cigarette while trying to shelter from the rain. He looked more then a little out of place down among the debris and the rubbish of the alleyways, dressed in his smart business suit and tie. The lit end of the cigarette burnt bright orange in the darkness. When he saw Richard he quickly looked around as if to confirm to him that they were indeed alone. He then motioned with his head for Richard to approach.
As Richard stepped closer the man shoved his hand out, ready to receive a firm handshake from the young paranormal investigator.

“Richard Crypt! Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you!”

Richard kept his hands firmly in his pockets, he had no way of knowing if this was the real deal or trouble waiting to bite him on the arse.

“How” Queried Richard. He couldn’t imagine his name circulating much in the water cooler conversations this guy was probably privy too, and with a vampire on the loose he couldn’t be too careful. The man withdrew his hand sheepishly.

“I googled you, of course. I figured that I better check to see if you were legit’.” Said Brian, a smug little smile appearing on his face.

Richard shrugged; making a mental note that dramatic mystery was dead and buried in the age of the information super highway.

“I take it you know why I’m here then,” said Richard.
“Our friend Vlad” Brian Confirmed. “Yeah, he’s been a problem for a while now. No one can touch him.”
“Yeah, I did hear. Haven’t the autopsies show anything suspicious about the corpses”

Brian looked up at the sky, as if to look for a sign of the rain stopping. He then stubbed his cigarette out on the wall behind him and threw the stub underground.

He sighed and looked back at Richard. “That’s a nice thought Rich, but the corpses haven't ever been discovered.”

“I guess that makes sense, especially if these lawyers of his are ghouls” Richard thought aloud.

“Do I want to know what that implies is happening to the corpses?” Asked Brian, cautiously.

“Probably means, that after Vlad has had his wicked ways with them, the ghouls are eating the remains.” Said Richard, in a very matter of fact kind of way.

“Hurk..” Brian heaved, thrusting his hands up to his mouth.
“Thanks Rich, I’ll take that as a “no you don’t” then.”

Richard looked at Brian with a face that spelt out quite clearly that he really did not care.
Richard continued to look at Brian, yet his face changed quickly from disdain to one of contemplation.
“What’s up?” Asked Brian, wondering if Richard had come up with a plan to combat the vampire menace.
“Got any money?” Replied Richard, his face remained in the contemplative position.
“Some, why? What have you got in mind?” Asked Brian, reaching for his wallet.
“Pizza” stated Richard.

Hey Pizano's! It's all in the first post! Look up!

I really like it so far. It's got a nice classic vibe to it, for me. The description is really great, and the dialogue is awesome. The magic shop owner character is really strange. What kinda creature is he supposed to be exactly?

Thanks for reading man, These are really early drafts, but i'm glad your enjoying it so far.

The creature that runs the magic shop is actually a Brownie.

Yummy. :p

Updated.

I hope that pizza has lots of garlic. *bud-dump-pshhh*


It's real good so far. ‘Can’t wait for some vamp-action.