ok
how many spartans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
302
1 to screw in the bulb
300 to hold off the persian empire
and the last to kick everyone into the pit of death

A lawyer buys a new mecedes benz he drives to work opens his car door which gets hit by a bus. the lawyer is mad his new car door just got hit so he calls the police. the cops arive to the lawyer screaming and yelling the cop asks “sir are you ok?” the lawyer says “No my car is wrecked!!! im gonna sue the bus driver im a lawyer!!!” the cop says “Oh! I get it!” the Lawyer says “you get what?” the cop says “you lawyers are all the same if you wern't so worried about your material possesions you would have realized your arm was missing”
the lawyer looks at his what used to be his arm and says “GOD DAMNIT! MY ROLEX WAS ON THAT ARM!!”

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I'm from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
“I'm curious,” the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can't believe it,” says the first man. “I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary's,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ‘62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ‘62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O'Kinly twins are drunk again.”

IanUl2000;161771
anyways what were his jokes.

They were inappropriate, he has subsequently been banned from the forum.

Zack, Theo, good ones (The Lawer one is definitely a good'un).

I hope you guys won't think this is inapprpriate.
So there's two brothers who get layed off from their jobs. They decide to go to the uneployment office to see what benefits they can get. The first brother goes in and the woman at the desk asks, “What did you do for a living?” He says, “I was a Diesil Fitter.” She says, “Hmm. We don't have anything listed under Diesil Fitter. We'll put you under Diesil Mechanic. That'll be $250 a week.” So she writes him a check for $250 and he goes home.
The second brother goes in and the woman asks, “What did you do for a living?” He says, “I was a sewing machine operator.” She says, “Okay. That'll be $50 a week.” He says, “What!? $50 a week!? My brother does the exact same thing as me and he gets $250 a week!” She says, “Yeah. That's because he's a Diesil Fitter.” He says, “Oh! Diesil fitter my butt! We both worked in a women's underwear factory! I'd sew the seams and he'd put the women's underwear over his head and say, ‘Yep. Diesil Fitter.’”

As a prank all over the radio stations there was an announcement, that the world would end in a week. Everyone started panicking. President Obama promised a big speech before the so called the end of the world. This speech was to be given the day before the world was going to end.

Finally time came, and President Obama was being interviewed by channel six news.

Relax, America, after doing research I have come to the conclusion that the world will not end tomorrow.

Why is that asked the reporter.

It is quit simple, said Obama, it is already tomorrow in Australlia.

zachary1998;161858
As a prank all over the radio stations there was an announcement, that the world would end in a week. Everyone started panicking. President Obama promised a big speech before the so called the end of the world. This speech was to be given the day before the world was going to end.

Finally time came, and President Obama was being interviewed by channel six news.

Relax, America, after doing research I have come to the conclusion that the world will not end tomorrow.

Why is that asked the reporter.

It is quit simple, said Obama, it is already tomorrow in Australlia.

That was funny.
Let's see.
There's 3 ecologists in the Amazon. They're studying the environment and the wild life doing the things ecologists do. When suddenly they get captured by a tribe of cannibals. The Cannibal King tells them in broken English that if they go and bring back 10 of the same kind of fruit they'll be set free.
Well they don't know what to think but they go out looking for fruit. The first ecologist comes back with 2 bananas. The Cannibal King tells him he has to stick them up his butt without making a noise. He knows it's hopeless but he tries anyway and of course right when he does it he screams in pain. So the Cannibal King has the guy's head chopped off and his soul flouts upto heaven.
So the second ecologist comes back with 10 berries. He gets 8 berries up his butt without making a noise when he starts laughing. And he just laughs his butt off like a hyena. The Cannibal King doesn't understand what is so funny so he has the guy's head chopped off and his soul flouts upto heaven. So up in heaven the first ecologist says to the second, “How come you stopped at 8 berries? You only had 2 more to go.” He says, “Well, I was doing just fine. Until I saw Sam coming up the path with some pineapples.”

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.
After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. “This place is great, isn't it?” he asks.
The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, “Why do you say that?”
The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, “Follow me.” The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.
“Here's why.” The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!
“The air currents are great here!” he exclaims. “It's very relaxing.”
He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.
The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.
Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.
The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.
“You know,” he says, disgusted. “You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman.”

A five year old boy keeps sucking his thumb, his mother wants him to stop, so she tells him that if he keeps sucking his thumb his belly wills swell up like a balloon and get bigger.

The next day he sees a pregnant woman on the bus. He taps her on the shoulder and says. I know what you did.(*ray)

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph, he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
“There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes,” he thought to himself, and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.
“What on earth am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined it and the car.
“I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I dont feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I havent heard before you can go!”
“Last week my wife ran off with a cop,” the man said, “and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!”
“Have a nice night,” said the officer.

That last one almost felt like two jokes stitched together… the cop managing to keep pace with him, and then the excuse bit. Unfortunately I think this is what rendered it unfunny to me.

How to annoy people at customs.

1. When your parents stop by the border, yell “Help, I have been kidnapped.

2. When the ask if you have any firearms. Ask them ”well what do you need.“

3. If they ask if you have any medication with you ask them. ”Would you be paying in Canadian currency or US currency.

4. When asked if there is anything that you would like to declare, tell them “Yes, your breath smells worse than my dog's.

5. If they ask you why you want to visit Canada, tell them. I was on America's Most Wanted this week, and I need to leave the country fast.

6. When they ask where in Canada you want to go, say. Anywhere across the border is fine. Just don't tell the cops I was here.

7. Pick up hitchhikers, especially ones who are under the influence and wearing prision cloting.

8. Ask if you can test out their gun.

9. When they ask where you are going. Say un this is the Mexican border right? If on the Mexican border, say this is the Canadian border right.

10. When asked where you are going say ”Canada“ and if they ask where you live say United States. Rather than give a state, provience or city.

11. When they ask you to pull over, say sure, then drive away as fast as you can.

12. When they ask you where you are going tell them, and ask them if they want to tag along.

13. If they get upset with you because of one or more of the things you have done to annoy them, ask them ”who pissed on your cornflakes.“

(*egon)

One day Lou was driving. When he stopped at a red light the driver next to him pulled down his window and asked him if he wanted to race.

”You are on, said Lou.' As soon as the light turned green, they both speed out onto the street. Lou was very happy that he showed the other driver that he was a faster, until the driver pulled out portible sirens. Lou pulled over. Oh crap it's the police, this was a setup, thought George.

“Do you know why I pulled over?,” asked the cop.

“Because I was speeding and racing” answered George.

“Wrong!”, said the cop, because you won. I want a rematch.“

(*egon)

There was a big psychology exam. The teacher took his chair placed it on his desk sat down and told them. ”“Your mission is to prove that this chair does not exict.”

The students were all getting carried away, some of them wrote thirty pages on what they learned about psychology in the class. They were all stressing out. The students noticed that one person was done within only minute.

When they got their results they were surprised to learn that the person whose essay was written in less than a minute was the only one who got an “A” Curious the students asked what he had written to get such a good mark. To which he replied. I just wrote two words. “Which chair.”