Sorry for the delay!
—
GALIFIANAKIS: Thank you very much.
(He goes to the piano)
GALIFIANAKIS: Welcome to the Third Annual Igor Awards… unless the name has been changed again. I mean, all the good award names are already taken – like Oscar, Felix, Grammy, Tony – and all we get stuck with is (bleeping) Igor. Why Igor?
(Laughter)
GALIFIANAKIS: (Impersonating a mad scientist) Hey, Igor! It's alive! It's alive, Igor!
(Heavy laughter)
GALIFIANAKIS: The Igors. The only award show whose jokes are not written by Bruce Villanch.
(Laughter)
GALIFIANAKIS: I know most of you are unfamiliar with me. I am a very popular stand up comedian, and I was in the movie, The Hangover – which isn't nominated for jack (bleep) tonight. But nobody had ever heard of me until I hosted SNL on March 6. Nobody had ever heard of me until I hosted SNL! Even I had never heard of me until I hosted SNL!
(Heavy laughter)
GALIFIANAKIS: Who the hell am I here? I'm not Tom Cruise. I'm not Morgan (bleeping) Freeman! I'm not Britney Spears, Madonna, Lindsay Lohan! I'm not that guy who songs that song…
Pants on the ground, pants on the ground…
(Larry Platt's reaction)
GALIFIANAKIS: I'm not the Chocolate Rain guy, I'm not Kurt Russell or Bruce Campbell. I'm not the Tron guy either. I'm not even ALF!
(ALF falls to the ground laughing.)
GALIFIANAKIS: I'm nobody! And there I was hosting SNL like I was some big star. Even the musical guests – Vampire Weekend – are more famous than me… and that's a rare occasion. Anyway, enough about me. Let's look back on the past year's movies.
(Applause)
GALIFIANAKIS: There sure the hell were a lot of remakes, reboots, sequels, adaptations, and the like in 2009. We had a reboot of “Friday the 13th.” And it as so painfully obvious that they were cashing in on the success of Rob Zombie's brilliant “Halloween” remake from 2007.
(Cut to Derek Mears and director Marcus Nispel)
(Parody of “Friday I'm in Love” by The Cure)
GALIFIANAKIS: Night at Crystal Lake is blue
Jason's coming after you
(Hobo) Myers, I don't care about you
It's Friday, knife in glove
(Rob Zombie's reaction)
GALIFIANAKIS: Jason tears your guts apart
Stay away from lake-y parts
Oh, hockey mask will stunt your heart
It's Friday, knife in glove
Friday, knife in glove
(He stops playing)
(Applause)
GALIFIANAKIS: This is the, what, 12th Friday the 13th movie? Or 11 1/2? When we're all dead, they'll still be making more Jason movies, because people love Jason. It would be (bleeping) killer if they brought back Kane Hodder. He owns Jason. He IS Jason.
(Derek Mears cheers)
GALIFIANAKIS: What do you say, New Line? Warner Bros.?
(Thunderous cheers)
GALIFIANAKIS: We also had a “Stepfather” remake. It was really good. I liked it. We also had an original – and ear-bleedingly loud – horror flick from Sam Raimi called “Drag Me to Hell.” (Bleep) that movie was loud! I covered my ears the whole (bleeping) time! Scared the (bleep) out of me, too! What a horror masterpiece, if a little graphic at times.
(He plays and sings the chorus to the Grim Reaper song, “See You in Hell.”)
(Applause)
GALIFIANAKIS: We had a lot of 3D films, a lot of sci-fi, a lot of animated movies. We had a few Disney movies that shoved their craptacular pop stars down our throats.
(Parody of “Whole Lotta Rosie” by AC/DC)
GALIFIANAKIS: Let me tell you a story
About a rodent I know
Manufactured singers
Manufactured shows
Ain't exactly acting
Can't exactly sing
Billion and one songs on Billboard now
You can say it's not my thiiiiiiiiiiiing!
(Brian Johnson's reacton)
(Miley Cyrus's reaction)
(Jonas Brothers' reactons)
GALIFIANAKIS: Never liked a Jonas
Never liked a Jonas, Joe who?
Lipping to the words
Lipping to the words that you do
(Jonas Brothers' reaction)
GALIFIANAKIS: Ain't no decent music
(Bleep) the Mileys and the “Jones”
How much fans you really got?
Bet your fans are 19 stones
You do a whole lotta mimin'
A whole lotta mimin'
A whole lotta posing
A whole lotta posing
A whole lotta posing
You do a whole lotta posing
(He plays the riff two more times and stops)
(Thunderous applause – even from Miley Cyrus; The Jonas Brothers; Ashlee Simpson; Ashley Tisdale; Zac Efron; Raven Simone; Lindsey Lohan; Paris Hilton; Kevin Federline; New Kids on the Block; the Backstreet Boys; NSYNC; O-Town; 98 Degrees; 2gether; and the surviving member of Milli Vanilli)
GALIFIANAKIS: How many of you saw that movie, “Up”?
(Applause)
GALIFIANAKIS: That was a great movie. Another Pixar masterpiece. It's about an old guy who puts a bunch of balloons on his house and it floats to another part of the world.
(Parody of “99 Luftballoons (99 Red Ballons)” by Nena)
GALIFIANAKIS: Old enough to be a Gop
His house will float, can never stop
Going to South America
Carl's geriatrica
See the face of young boy scout
Carl tells the kid “Get out!”
Quiet as that Jerry mouse
99 red balloons on house
(Funky part and tempo speeds up)
99 or more balloons
Floating up this tiny house
Carl needs a cane to walk
Hearing aid to hear you talk
These fluffy dogs, they can speak
At least with collars some guy tweaked
Carl's quite a grouchy guy
When 99 or more balloons go by
(Slower tempo)
GALIFIANAKIS: When he widowed much to soon
Filled his house with big baloons
What bird is that one that's acting silly?
Think it's Fred or Jack or Billy
The Carl dude is such a punk
Ironic since he's hated spunk
Why'd he give his house balloons?
Just be glad they weren't in Sweden
(Thunderous applause)
(Parody of “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins)
GALIFIANAKIS: I can see a geezer in the air today
Oh Lord
He's been waiting for his moment for all his life
Oh Lord
Do you see the geezer in the air today?
Oh no, oh no
Well I remember!
I remember the doggy, doggy, doggy…
How could I ever forget
'Cause he sound like, like Alvin, the chippymunk, munk, munk, munk…
Well I know the reason why the many canines talk
Ask Docter named Pete
Got your specs on your nose
Hairy back still grows
You're approaching the age 80!
(Zach goes crazy on the piano parodying the drum fill!)
(Phil Collins falls out of his seat laughing!)
(Zack starts singing the actual chorus from “In the Air Tonight”)
(Thunderous applause)